I am a HORRIBLE book-mom.
I mean, really -- what kind of book-mom forgets her own book's BIRTHDAY? In my defense, I forgot it was November. I've been BUSY. I graduate in TWO WEEKS. Get OFF ME.
But I still have 2 days to redeem myself. 2 days. Gotta make them ROCK. Why, you may ask?
Because I have to fit an entire ISPAW into those 2 days.
That's right, folks -- it's that time of year again. The time when tiny children's heads fill with sparkling dreams of river-rerouting. The time when parents max out their credit cards on steamboats, dynamite, and nets. The time when the CTD cries themselves to sleep on nightmares of global stream pirate takeover. That's right -- International Stream Pirate Appreciation Week.
Thus, I will be squishing Days 1 & 2 into today's post, Days 3 & 4 into tomorrow's post, and the grand finale on STREAM PIRATE's actual birthday, November 6th.
(I've lost most of you. Wait! Come back! I made brownies! *wafts brownie smell toward readers*
Now here -- eat a brownie and read this post. Seriously. I'll wait.
Did you read it? Are you all caught up? Awesome. Let the festivities BEGIN!)
Day 1: What is Stream Piracy?
I'm glad you asked.
Seeing as last year I introduced my characters (well, the ones who would cooperate. I'm looking at you, Peat), I figured it'd be a good start to this year's ISPAW to tell you what the heck I'm talking about when I say "stream piracy." Because while I'm sure my little pirate-antics are side-splittingly entertaining--
--most of you probably just laugh out of the kindness of your hearts.
Lu: Hey, she's not as dumb as she looks.
Lu: You wrote me this way. You have no one to blame for my snarky remarks but yourself.
Yazoo: Yeah, thanks for that.
You didn't have to fall in love with her, Yaz.
Yazoo: Have you seen her when she gets angry? Yeah, I kind of did.
Lu: Careful. I'll sick Arachne on you.
Arachne: I resent that. It's like I'm just a piece of violent meat to you guys.
Yazoo: Wait -- you're not a piece of meat?
Arachne: Lu, sick me on Yazoo.
Okay then. Back to what I was saying. Stream piracy--
Arachne: Is a really quick way to simultaneously see the world and drive a dynamite-sized wedge between you and "respected society."
Lu: Hey! I'm still respected society.
Arachne: Guess my wedge isn't big enough.
Lu: I know where you sleep.
Arachne: And I know what you mumble about Yazoo in your sleep. 'Oh Yazzie, my love, my--'
Lu: You were saying, Sara?
Right. Ahem. Stream piracy is a--
Yazoo: Wait -- why are you telling them? Are we sure they can be trusted?
Lu: Yaz! Don't be rude!
Yazoo: I'm not. I just think some of them look like CTD sailors. Especially that one in the back. With the uniform that says 'CTD.'
Lu: Oh, dam.
Wait! No! Come back! ISPAW only just started!
Arachne: Sorry, author -- we'll be back when the CTD isn't chasing us.
Lu: Oh, the life we lead.
So. Um. Well, those are my main characters. Awesome, don't you think? Eh, you can stop being polite. They're gone now.
What was I saying? Oh, right. Stream piracy--
*CTD sailor runs through crowd*
Sailor: I saw them! Yazoo Oxbow was here, wasn't he?
Sailor: Do you have any idea of the consequences for harboring a known stream pirate? I should haul you off to jail this instant!
*picks up plate* Brownie?
Sailor: Oh. Why thank you; don't mind if I do.
*sneaks toward door*
And that concludes Days 1 & 2 of ISPAW. Tune in tomorrow for Days 3 & 4.
Sailor: Wait. That was only Day 1!
Sailor: You took the brownies! Halt! IN THE NAME OF THE KING!