*the lesser-said sister phrase to "The Devil Made Me Do It."
I went to a psychic on Thursday
OW! Who threw the holy water?? Don't you know how DANGEROUS that stuff is?
Oh. It doesn't burn you? Um. Well then...this is awkward.
Aside from telling me I stuff I already knew (THE MOMENT I sat down, the psychic's first words to me were "Honey, you have trust issues." To which I replied "ME?? A clearly desperate, directionless 21-yr-old has TRUST ISSUES?? Shut UP!" I don't think she appreciated my commentary.) (Now that I think about it, that might explain why my reading was so full of "Leave! Leave! FLEE!" type things. Hm.), the psychic was...interesting. My expectations were way too high to begin with -- suffice to say my friends and I have been planning to do this since last fall, when we got our fortunes read at a RenFest and were absolutely certain our lives would CHANGE FOREVER. And me, being on the cusp of a new life, was desperate for someone to tell me "This is what you should do. Step 1, 2, and 3, and you'll be happy. Promise."
So I sat down in the psychic's relaxing little haven of purple sparkly fabric and bubbling rock-water fountains, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed...
Until she started, you know, talking.
Then all I could think was "Um...I'm going to do what in the next two years? With -- who? And I'm going to have money? Oh, okay, I like that. But I'm going to do what in three years? WHAT??"
Yeah, just lots of...WHAT??
And while my friends were very happy with their readings and raced home to set their Universe-instructed plans into motion, I just...didn't. According to the psychic, "the Universe" has set forth this plan for me: I will be a nomad-type-person for the next two years, moving all the time and never having a "constant person" in my life (she actually told me that lots -- yes, LOTS -- of men will come into my life, but I should let them pass over me like water. Not sure what to think about that.), and after those two years I will "nest" somewhere and go to grad school and meet someone and get married.
Firstly, I am not a nomad. I have way too many seasonal allergies to live outside in an animal-hide hut (psychic humor).
Secondly, GRAD SCHOOL?? Are you JOKING, Universe? Do you not remember how much I LOATHED LOATHED LOATHED AND DESPISED the sheer uselessness that was my UNDERGRAD DEGREE?? And how I now have a $15,000 loan that I took out to fund the first YEAR and a HALF of said adventure?? And you think I'm going to go to GRAD SCHOOL??
Thirdly, this all felt very, very familiar. My friends were gabbing excitedly about their adventures while I couldn't help but flash back to a time when I was in a similar situation. Listening to people tell me what a Higher Power had planned for me. And then hating myself, my very being, when I couldn't live up to/fulfill said Higher Power's divine plan.
Before we got to the psychic, my friends and I were all so lost, so terrified of our many opportunities and the vast expanse of possibility. What were we going to DO with it all?? What could WE, mere mortals, expect to form with all this potential??
Nothing. We couldn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. What if I made the wrong decision? What if it all collapsed around me and I had no one to blame but myself? That's the biggest reason, isn't it. If some Higher Power tells us what to do, at least we have them to say "They told me to! I didn't want to!"
But do you notice how often things that "Higher Powers" tell us to do work out? Because we commit to them with our whole being. We throw every part of ourselves into them because they're "destined" and "divine." We blindly trust and believe and KNOW that they will work out.
But when we make decisions on our own, no Higher Power instructing us, well, we're just human. And humans screw up. ie: this will get screwed up too.
The psychic was right. I do have trust issues. But they extend far beyond the usual "boys suck" issues. I don't trust myself to make my own life decisions. I need some Higher Power to sit back and say "You're going to do XYZ," even if I don't WANT to do XYZ (small sidenote: I realize sometimes people SHOULD be forced to do what they don't want to do. There's a distinction to be made between the two types of "don't want to"). I let the Christian majority tell me God wanted me to be a missionary/witness/leader even though I HATED doing all of those up-front things. For years I threw myself into those things because it was SUPPOSED TO WORK OUT. God said so.
Even though I've spent my entire life asking various divinities what they want for me, I've been too afraid to ask one simple question: What do I want? Like that question might strike me dead. How DARE I have a plan. How dare a little mere mortal WANT anything. How silly.
But what do I want? I want to find a home somewhere. I want to get married. I want to NEST, goddammit, not be a nomad. I'm not nearly artsy enough to be nomadic -- nomads are those freespirits who wander around with a backpack full of granola oat bars. And I'm ALLERGIC to oats.
So even though the psychic was a ridiculously nice old lady, I have to politely tell the Universe to go bleep itself. Because, honestly, I'm tired of trying to live up to something else's expectations of me. I'm going to try this weird new thing called doing what I want to do. Whatever the hell that is.